Single men who want to settle down and start families
immediately are definitely out there: The ones whose biological clocks have
started sounding alarms, warning that they’re heading into middle age without
having had their own families — so they’re looking to build one, and soon.
These men are relatively easy to spot: They may mention marriage just a few
moments after meeting you for the first time. They may follow casual questions
like “Do you enjoy your line of work?” with more pointed probes, like: “Do you
think you’ll give up your job to stay home when you have a baby?” On your third
date, they might describe the blinding diamond ring they want to buy you — or
offer more “subtle” suggestions of a future together through remarks like, “My
mom will love you!”
Follow these tips for handling an over-eager love interest
while you sort out how you really feel about your potentially combined futures.
TIP1: Be 100% honest with him about your feelings
regarding marriage and children
Why it’s important: If he’s open with you about what
he’s looking for in a partner, you owe him the same out of respect. While it’s
scary to have a man spring marriage and babies on you after just a few dates,
having all those cards out on the table early can be a good thing. “What’s the
point of dating someone who doesn’t have intentions that are compatible with
your own?” says Dr. Kuriansky. So, be direct: “Tiptoeing around the issue only
leaves misunderstanding and misguided hope,” says Anne Dean, 29, a divorced
public relations director.
How to do it: If his talk of the future is making
you uncomfortable, say so — and explain why. Start the conversation with a
positive point — e.g., why you enjoy spending time together — then ease into
why you’re not ready for marriage right now (or ever) and when you might be,
whether you ever see yourself having kids, and approximately when you’d like
that to happen. “Be honest. Don’t agree to something just to pacify someone,”
advises Toni Coleman, LCSW, a dating coach and psychotherapist in McLean, VA.
TIP 2: Be 100% sure he’s
in there for the long term goal and not just a baby mama
Why is it important: If he’s busy fitting you into the
insta-bride/gestational carrier slot in his mind, you’ll both be missing out on
the chance to see if you can connect as people — not simply future parents. Sarah,
34, a quality manager in Denver had a brief online correspondence with a man
who seemed less interested in who she was than in whether she met all of the
criteria required to be the mother of his children. “He revealed his plan to
retire from the Army in five years, get married and have three kids, each one
born a year apart,” recalls Sarah. “He was way too interested in my thoughts on
the spacing of children and being a stay-at-home mom.”
How to do it: “Ask questions that will offer
insight into his attitudes about relationships in general and how he feels
about you, specifically,” Here are a few examples to help get you started:
1. Have you ever wanted to marry before?
2. Why is it a good time for you to marry now?
3. What do you like about me?
4. Why might we be compatible as a couple?
If it’s clear from his answers that he does care about you
specifically and not just your parent potential, try to draw out his thoughts
on fatherhood. “If he just wants a child because all of his friends have kids,
but he has no idea what parenting involves and assumes you’ll deal with all of
that, you may want to back off,” warns Dr. Kuriansky.
TIP 3: Don’t be afraid
to ask for your own personal space while you’re dating him
Why it’s important: Sometimes, men looking to marry
right away are the same ones who crave constant companionship; it’s not so much
that they want a family life but that they don’t want to be alone. Be alert to
this type, though he’s usually pretty easy to spot: he calls four times an
hour; he wonders why you’re not spending Saturday and Sunday with him, etc.
“These behaviors can be red flags indicative of someone with a dependent
personality,”
How to do it: Engage him in a dialogue that will
get at the emotions that drive his smothering, rush-the-relationship behavior.
Tell him that you feel he gets upset whenever you’re unavailable. Express that
you think you each have different perceptions of what the “perfect”
relationship looks like, then ask for his thoughts on the matter. As he
responds, pay close attention to his words — and his body language. Does he
clench his jaw? Assume a defensive posture (armed crossed, eyes looking at the
ground)? Talk through this process.
culled from Yahoo.com
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