This
weekend, while discussing with my family (full family oh, both nuclear and
extended), I heard a profound statement from our oloriebi (head of the family; the one who unceremoniously leads
when the father is dead) and that statement made every participant sigh in great
smile of despair.
Despair,
but not in fear, but in the inevitability of the prospect of marriage. After
massively drilling me in my conviction of my choice of partner, they asked all
manner of questions and at a point I had to ask myself whether this was about; my
wedding (marriage) or the regrets in theirs? In Africa, I assume we are very
cautious when it comes to the issue of marriage because as much as our customs
and tradition has been eroded with western infringements, we still hold sacrosanct the
institution of marriage.
So
every family (in Yoruba land at least) wants to be sure that the decision did
not only come from love but from deeply thought about and prayerful
considerations. The phrase he used was very powerful. He said, and I will write
it in Yoruba, “Oja okukun ni igbeyawo, to ba daa’ro lama rin kan ta ra”. I will not do justice to it if I try to transliterate those words
but I have to if I want to carry along my-none Yoruba speaking or reading
audience. He said, Marriage is like a product bought in a night market (that
is putting in consideration a market not lit up with electricity; a typical 18th
century African market), you will only see the product well when the morning
dawns and morning sunlight beams.
In
a nut-shell, good marriage is as a result of good luck as well as bad marriage could be said to be as a result of bad luck. Long courtship doesn't determine how long a marriage will last as much as short
courtship determining its durability. You don’t get to meet and know the
person (spouse) completely until several days, weeks, months or even years
after marriage. Certain circumstances will arise that will bring out the beauty
or beast of persons/people and how the situation is managed will hitherto
determine what defines the finality of such union.
My
oloriebi further went ahead to state
that love diminishes the barest minimal after marriage and what will be
needed afterwards to sustain the union will be communication, maturity and
understanding. I listened to him in awe because he was man that married twice , a decision he hates but had to and he said he never planned for that whatsoever only if he had listened to
our father when he was advising him 35 years ago.
I
feel for him too because he has no child and as much as life dealt him blows, he is still passionate about love and getting it right.
Yeah
and he also said prayer also is paramount for a sustainable marriage. As we
normally say from where I come from, “what is good needs prayer and what is
also not good needs prayer”. So if love and affection and peace are in a
relationship/courtship/marriage it needs prayers (for sustainability and
longetivity) and if the love is lost and affection is gone in a
relationship/courtship/marriage, prayer Is also needed, ‘O’un gbogbo nilo adura”
I
leave you off to a great Monday as you start a wonderful week. Remember, keep
hope alive for the #chibok babies snatched from us and keep on demanding that
they #bringbackourgirls.
Shalom!
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