Monica
Lewinsky writes in Vanity Fair for the first time about her affair with
President Clinton: “It’s time to burn the beret and bury the blue dress.” She
also says: “I, myself, deeply regret what happened between me and President
Clinton. Let me say it again: I. Myself. Deeply. Regret. What. Happened.”
After
10 years of virtual silence (“So silent, in fact,” she writes, “that the buzz
in some circles has been that the Clintons must have paid me off; why else
would I have refrained from speaking out? I can assure you that nothing could
be further from the truth”), Lewinsky, 40, says it is time to stop “tiptoeing
around my past—and other people’s futures. I am determined to have a different
ending to my story. I’ve decided, finally, to stick my head above the parapet
so that I can take back my narrative and give a purpose to my past. (What this
will cost me, I will soon find out.)”
Maintaining
that her affair with Clinton was one between two consenting adults, Lewinsky
writes that it was the public humiliation she suffered in the wake of the
scandal that permanently altered the direction of her life: “Sure, my boss took
advantage of me, but I will always remain firm on this point: it was a
consensual relationship. Any ‘abuse’ came in the aftermath, when I was made a
scapegoat in order to protect his powerful position. . . . The Clinton
administration, the special prosecutor’s minions, the political operatives on
both sides of the aisle, and the media were able to brand me. And that brand
stuck, in part because it was imbued with power.”
Lewinsky
writes that she is still recognized every day, and her name shows up daily in press
clips and pop-culture references.
When
Tyler Clementi, the 18-year-old Rutgers freshman who was secretly streamed via
Webcam kissing another man, committed suicide in September 2010, Lewinsky
writes, she was brought to tears, but her mother was especially distraught:
“She was reliving 1998, when she wouldn’t let me out of her sight. She was
replaying those weeks when she stayed by my bed, night after night, because I,
too, was suicidal. The shame, the scorn, and the fear that had been thrown at
her daughter left her afraid that I would take my own life—a fear that I would
be literally humiliated to death.” Lewinsky clarifies that she has never
actually attempted suicide, but had strong suicidal temptations several times
during the investigations and during one or two periods after.
Lewinsky
writes that following Clementi’s tragedy “my own suffering took on a different
meaning. Perhaps by sharing my story, I reasoned, I might be able to help
others in their darkest moments of humiliation. The question became: How do I
find and give a purpose to my past?” She also says that, when news of her
affair with Clinton broke in 1998, not only was she arguably the most
humiliated person in the world, but, “thanks to the Drudge Report, I was also
possibly the first person whose global humiliation was driven by the Internet.”
Her current goal, she says, “is to get involved with efforts on behalf of
victims of online humiliation and harassment and to start speaking on this
topic in public forums.”
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