Anwuli’s first sight of him was in
a party and he didn’t mince words when he walked up to her demanding to speak
to her. ‘You are a stranger as far as I am concerned and I can’t just give you
my number’, she posited after several minutes of him trying. Despite her
resistance, Ejima won’t bulge. He kept pressing but in such a pleasant way that
Anwuli suddenly began to enjoy his company.
He would walk away and act as if
he was busy but all the while he would stare at her from a distance and when
their eyes met, he would smile or just look away acting all busy. She liked the
attention, she wanted something to start between them but only if she can get
someone to vouch for him.
“Do you know that guy?” Anwuli
asked her cousin who originally invited her to the wedding. “Ejima? Don’t you
remember him?” Anwuli is confused and before her cousin could finish the
sentence, she was dragged away into a waiting crowd of new guest. Anwuli is far
more confused now than when she asked the question and she suddenly began to
feel guilty for calling him a ‘stranger’.
‘Ejima’, ‘Ejima’, ‘Ejima’, she keeps muttering the name hoping that she
will suddenly remember him but all to futility.
Just when she was re-immersing
into her immediate surroundings, Ejima emerged from nowhere and asked her, “Did
you miss me?” she blinked a second and realized that she has missed him truly. He
is becoming a mystery in just an hour. ‘Lailai, how can I miss you? I don’t even
know you’ she replied. ‘But I am no stranger, you know me already but you just
can’t recollect that we see almost every time’, Ejima said. ‘Everytime? Please
explain’, Anwuli demanded and Ejima was pleased to oblige.
‘I teach Sunday school in the
church and although you are a perpetual latecomer, I notice that you come
sometime to my class’… ‘Oh my God! I am so sorry… is that you? Wow, you look so
different. So it is you…’ she kept muttering just to hide her initial
ignorance. Anwuli is bad with remembering things and people and places and
anything except that thing is exclusive. By exclusive I mean, something
important to her.
So one thing led to another and
another and another and they started seeing each other. All of a sudden, after
serious consultations especially on Anwuli’s side; spiritually, mentally,
morally and physically, Ejima starts to act funny. He starts to look for
excuses why he can’t call her regularly as he used to do and started to
complain about certain characters she possess; stuff like; you are too
bossy for a lady; you always nag; you are ‘never’ appreciative and ‘I’ don’t think
I am convinced we are supposed to ‘marry’.
Like seriously? Listen ladies,
the most trying time for any man whatsoever, whenever and however is when he
wants to float his company and when he wants to marry. So if you are not his
company, good for you but if you are the woman he wants to marry; BAD! Once the
reality dawns on him, he enters panic mode (I have been there twice). The weight
of responsibility falls on him and once he realizes that, he might begin to look
for avenues to dispense these immense ‘burden’. Ladies, if you can imagine how
Jesus felt just before he was crucified, then you can have a faint idea about
it feels when a guy says ‘Will you marry me?’
This is not an article
exonerating guys and abdicating them of responsibility. No, not at all! This is
just to make the lady understand the mindset of the guy she’s about to marry and
help him sail through that period.
I can authoritatively say it
because I have been through these phase twice; the first time I goofed and the
next it was successful. These therefore are the steps you need to take when the
guy starts to ‘act up’; TURN UP!
1) Never
assume that he’s seeing someone else
This hurt guys more than a lady
can imagine. Guys naturally see things in whole while women see in compact. A
guy looks at his woman and wants to know if he can stay with her for the next
5, 10, 15 years? He is already thinking of school fees for his 2 yet unborn
kids, house rent etc while the lady is thinking of the best ‘wedding gown’ for
the occasion.
When I was dating my wife and few
months before wedding, I just couldn’t comprehend how she can have over 1000
pictures of wedding gowns on her phones and ipad. It was as if her whole life
depended on it. This doesn’t mean she wasn’t thinking about the future but she
is able to compartmentalize her life into what is most important ‘now’ than ‘later’.
I would rather buy a 47’ inch TV for my comfort rather than use the same money
to pay for the expenses of my wedding. I am particular about what I will ‘enjoy’
in my marriage/home than what people will ‘enjoy’ on my wedding day.
So once a guy starts acting all
funny because he is seeing the end from the beginning and he’s processing the
vision in his brain, don’t assume (well in most cases but not all) that it is
because he is seeing someone else.
2) Give
him some space
Ladies usually make that grave
mistake of nudging and poking him just because they are also scared of losing
him. The best thing to do when he starts acting up is to FREE him. Don’t bug
him! Let him be. If he loves you, he will realize (or feel so) that he is about
to lose you and no man wants to lose a good woman.
So out of 10 times, he will
always come back to you 9.9 times because he will realize how much he ‘misses’
you. Silence is powerful in this case and the more you FREE him to take time
out for some personal exorcism, the more he will realize he is better off with
you beside him. This doesn’t mean when he ring you up you ignore his call or
refuse to reply his text but if he doesn’t then you too don’t.
It is hard to activate this phase
especially for a lady deeply in love with the guy but the truth is a guy is
more scared of a silent babe than a raging one (#word). So, word of advice? Give
him his space.
3) Be
Prepared
My wife and I called off our
engagement few weeks to the wedding. We were stressed based on preparations for
the wedding and it began to tell on our relationship. So one Sunday morning ‘we’
came to a compromised decision to call off the wedding. I was in church so I told
her that I will inform my people and she should inform her own people; we are
no more getting married.
Deep in my mind, I know it was
all a joke despite the seriousness of our tone and the reason is because we had
talked about our fears months earlier and we painted the worst case scenario
that could break us up even if we get married. We there and then came to a
conclusion that what can break us up is simply man made and if we put all
efforts into this thing, it can work.
So here we are; trudging the same
path that we spoke about few months earlier. It is a make or break scenario and
it was deeply sensational. When we saw each other after the conversation, the
first thing we did was to apologise to each other for taking the matter to such
emotional height thereby causing friction that could have broken the
relationship.
We then spoke about the severity
of the issue and amicably solved it. When she asked me later that was I serious
about breaking up the proposed marriage; I said NO! Of course I was angry and
she was but because we had painted the picture of this future and talked about
how to sort it when we get there, it was not even an issue for us to resolve. No
third party heard about it and it even made us love each other more.
So, in every relationship, you
must be prepared for the worse… sorry for the worst actually. Nothing gives you
closure as fast as possible as a readied mind. it is good to prepare together
as a team (you and your fiancé); talk about your challenges together, about
your pains and fears, about your do’s and don’ts and about what will happen
after you guys break up. Yes, you must always prepare for the break up’s even
if you are planning to break up. I remember asking a lady, ‘so what happens
when you guys are no more together?’ and she said ‘Lailai, we can never break
up! We love each other so much we can’t break up’. Today, they are not together.
So sister, when he begins to act
up, it is time for you to turn up with these 3 factors; don’t blame, don’t stress
and be prepared!
Shalom!
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