My name is Shalewa and I have been having nightmares since I
was 12 years of age. I lost my mother when I was 10 and I and my dad had to
move from one state to another because of his job. When he finally lost the
job, we settled down in Ijebu and my father started drinking heavily.
I remembered
that he will always send me to my grandmother who lived in Ijebu Ode at the
time. One night when I came home to spend the weekend with him, he had drank so
heavily and wasn't himself.
I tried to get him into bed because he staggered into the
parlour as he banged on the door for me to open. When I finally did, he slumped
on the sofa and was going to pass out. I didn't want to allow him sleep on the
chair because he complains of back ache anytime he wakes up in the morning from
the sofa. As I lifted him up from the chair, he woke up half way into the room
and looked straight into my eyes. “shade”, he called out but that wasn't my
name, that was my mother’s name.
When we got into the room, he tried to remove my dress but I
wouldn't allow him. He beat me up and tore my cloth. Although I was young and
really didn't understand what was going on, I knew what my father wanted to do
was wrong but I didn't know how to stop him. My grandma always said that I should
be careful with the bad boys in the area but she didn't tell me to be careful with my father.
While my father was making love to me, I couldn't even
scream. It was the worst kind of pain I have ever experienced and though I now
have 2 kids from a glorious marriage, the pain of my father’s sex still lingers
in my memory. I remember him saying, in his drunken state that “Shade, why are
you still tight?” I didn't understand that statement at the time but later I realized
that he was referring to me being a virgin.
When the morning came, he realized his mistakes and told me he
was very sorry about what happened. He told me that it was the devil that
caused it and that it will never happen again. For few weeks, my father cleaned
up his acts, stopped smoking and drinking and everyone around were really astonished.
He got a job in Lagos and he wanted to move without me. But on the week of his
final relocation, my grandma that I would have stayed with died.
So I had to move with him to Lagos. After few years into the
job, my father started drinking again. He had met a lady and they were courting
but I feel that his eyes were never away from me. I was 16 years at the time
and one night while my step mother was away he came into the room again and did
it. This time he wasn’t remorseful about it. It was like it was his right to do
it. He didn't beg me in the morning like he did before he just went on with
life as if it was normal.
There was no one I could talk too because this became a
regular occurrence anytime we were at home alone together. He had me till I got
into the university when I was 19 years old. I would stay in school even
through holiday periods and preferred not to come home. I got pregnant to my
then boyfriend and we had to abort it. I was smeared and life was worse for it.
I really suffered until I met my husband.
We met in my 400 level and it was like God specially sent
him to me. He understood me, loved me and really cared about me. Although I have
never told a soul about my experience with my father (because I can’t bring
myself to say it to a single soul), his love to me have made me almost
forgotten I went through such ordeal. He had an intuition that I didn't have a
normal life while growing up but he tries his best to be a lot to me and our
family. He is my world. Although I have bottled it in for a while now, the pain
can never be erased from my mind.
The last time I saw my father was in my 400 level when I went
to drop my invitation for my wedding. He didn't attend because he was mad at me
that I took the decision without his consent. He didn't come to my wedding and I
really don’t care. His wife came and I heard he chased her out of the house for
a while because she disobeyed him. She must have wondered why my father hates
me so much.
Now, my father is dying with pancreatic cancer and he wants
me beside his sick bed. What do I do? Everyone keeps begging me to sheathe my
sword and that whatever he has done to be should be overlooked since he constantly
asked for me on his dying bed. I don’t hate him; I just don’t think I want to
see him any longer.
I am confused. What do I do MAR?
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